Best man joke of the month
(March 2005 - February 2015)
Displaying 1 to 10 of 120 best man speech jokes
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill!!!
I don't believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won't contain anything controversial or embarrassing about Paul. Instead I'll refer only to the pleasant, loving side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. (Sit down)
Paul is always thinking of others, an attribute welcomed by Linda in every place except the bedroom.
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see Paul drinking alone.
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to welcome you all to Linda and Paul's wedding. These two made me compete for this honour tonight, but I was able to beat Andy the waiter over there two out of three in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am. But enough about me. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest three hours of your life.
Who here thinks that Linda is just marrying Paul for his body? I bet a tiny part of him hopes so. And I bet we can all guess which part.
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
I will admit to you that I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of all these people. All day people have been coming up to me and wishing me luck. Someone even gave me flowers, which made me feel a little bit like I was the bride! Well, I say flowers, they looked more like a wreath.
Paul is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why Linda didn’t worry about introducing Paul to hers until today.