What are you, a best man or a best mouse? I mean, you know the drill. This is your one chance to ruthlessly roast your best mate in front of all of his family and friends and get away with it! So why are you sitting there scribbling down dad-jokes? It's time to best man-up!
You'd be surprised what you can get away with, even in front of a crowd as broad and varied as a wedding guest list. If your sense of humour lies on the British side of the fence, you'll understand this better than some. Our national sense of humour is built on a bedrock of innuendo and double entendre that enables all kinds of very adult subjects to be touched upon in the most superficially sweet and innocent gags, without being overtly offensive or lewd. Our American cousins may be less used to the relentless flow of rudeness in UK society, but they enjoy their own tradition of truly no-hold-barred comedy roasts that provide a handy framework for a best man who's bold enough to rattle the groom's cage.
So what are the acceptable subjects for a best man who wants to roast the groom?
STOP! LISTEN TO THE QUESTION! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BEST MAN-UP? THE ANSWER IS EVERYTHING! EITHER YOU DO THIS OR YOU DON'T! GRAB HIM BY THE JUGULAR AND SHAKE, DUDE! YOU'RE A COMEDY COUGAR. HE'S A HAPLESS CALIFORNIAN MOUNTAIN BIKER! I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN!
Okay, look. Here are a few examples to get you going. You'll soon see what I mean. Subject-wise, it's anything goes. But the wording and delivery should keep you from getting your teeth knocked out...
Is the groom a scruff in real life? Don't let his penguin suit fool the crowd! Let them know what a walking pigsty the bride has hitched herself to:
Alan cleans up nicely, doesn't he? I hardly recognized him to be honest. I mean, the only thing he scrubs on a regular basis is his browser history!
In life's great LED array, is your pal a few lumens short of optimum brightness? Shine a light on his intellectual failings:
The groom and I have both been a bit nervous about the speeches we have to give today. I asked for advice from some of the dads and grandads in the room and they all said the same thing - keep it short and simple - which is perfect, really, because I'm short… and he's simple.
Your audience's ages might range from 1 to 101, but here's a gag that spans the generational gap. Go on, take it. You know you want to:
It's tough to find a joke that works for everyone when your audience goes from pre-school all the way up to pensioner, but I think I've cracked it… What do you get if you cross Peppa Pig with crystal meth? No? Bacon Bad!
While you're up there, why not seize the opportunity to set yourself up with a date for later:
Being the best man isn't all it's cracked up to be. You get the same nerve racking experience as the groom, but there's no one waiting in your hotel room in fancy knickers to reward you for it… of course, if any of you lovely ladies would like to prove me wrong, I'm in room 212.
After all that roasting, remember this. If you're going to twist the knife in your best bud's back, you have to be able to take a joke at your own expense:
I knew the day I met Alan that he was a magnet for morons and lunatics… Hang on… That doesn't reflect very well on me, does it!
And finally, take a leaf out of this cheeky chap's book. Not only does he have a wicked way with a joke, he also found a novel wedding present for the groom!