Best man jokes for weddings in Feb-2013

On his wedding night let’s hope (Groom) does better than the England football team who didn’t get close to a semi.

If you’re worried about the food today, relax. We’ve had all the beef checked and it’s 100% what it should be. Sorry if you ordered the fish option, though. We had to take that off the menu … turns out the cod goujons were 40% seahorse.

With all the talk about the Oscars this week, I can’t help thinking how lucky (Bride & Groom) are to have landed partners with real movie star looks! Though I don’t suppose it was Shrek (Bride) had in mind before she met (Groom).

I know you’re looking forward to a sunny honeymoon, so I thought you’d appreciate some advice. Doctors now say that oily fish can help to protect you against skin cancer from UV exposure. I was going to give you some as a wedding present, but they all died while I was training them to rub on suncream.

I’m not saying (Groom)’s addicted to his iPhone, but if there was an app for wedding services, we could’ve cut the church altogether and come straight here.

Research that Whipsnade zoo published this week revealed that chimpanzees have been observed solving puzzles for fun. That’s what they think, anyway. I haven’t the heart to tell them that what they actually saw was (Groom) doing sudoku in the picnic area.

To be honest, I can't really say too much about the Stag Do, suffice to say that after a few drinks the Groom is as sure-footed as Jennifer Lawrence going up the stairs to accept her Oscar.

I took my role today very, very seriously, you know. I even tried to get a special blessing for (Bride & Groom) from the Pope! I wrote to him every day for months. I called him in every spare minute I had. I sent, like, 200 texts a day! I wouldn’t quit. I basically hounded the man, if I’m honest. I called him again after he resigned to make sure that was nothing to do with me, but he just said ‘how did you get this number?’ then started crying again. As usual.

This wedding takes place during a week when the web is all astir over rumours that Apple is developing the sort of wearable smartphone watch that was once the stuff of science fiction. Imagine having something on your arm that could tell you when to get up and go to bed, organize your life, and keep you constantly updated with all the news from your life and everyone else’s that you know … a ‘wife’, I think it’s called.

David Cameron is facing revolt from Tory backbenchers over his stance on gay marriage. Like most Brits, according to the opinion polls at least, Cameron thinks gay people should have the same right to marry as heterosexual couples. And why not? Why should straight men be the only ones to suffer?

There’s nothing like a wedding around Valentine’s Day. Not only is everybody already feeling romantic for the big day, but also it drastically reduces the likelihood of (Groom) forgetting his anniversary in years to come.

So, I guess with news about dogs being microchipped, a lot of brides will be thinking that's a good idea for husbands. Ideal for when they get lost, drunk or just forget who they are!

Troubled football star Paul Gascoigne has been in the news lately after a shocking appearance at a charity event, where he swore on stage, slurred his words and shook violently. Gascoigne blamed his rambling state on ‘three days on the whisky’. Or, as (Groom) calls it, a ‘bank holiday weekend’.