Best man jokes for weddings in Jun-2011

It looks like former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn is innocent of that alleged sexual assault in New York after all. Apparently, he only had consensual sex with the maid in his hotel room. His loyal wife is said to be hugely relieved. Apparently, if you’re French that’s not infidelity, it’s room service.

Kate Moss got married this week; not in white, the colour of purity and innocence, but in blue, the colour of WKD and one-step pregnancy tests. Is she trying to tell us something?

Gill and Michael would like to thank you all sincerely for your generous wedding gifts. And if anyone did bring Habitat vouchers, they’ve asked me to say please don’t - for goodness sake - worry about it. You can slip them some cash after the speeches. Or write them a cheque if it’s easier.

It’s wonderful to be here. We’re all bound to remember this week for one of the matches of the century. Fingers crossed for a Murray / Nadal final!

I’ll never forget the day Anthony proposed to Belinda. He called me up in a right state after a night on the lash, saying he thought he might have told Belinda that he’d marry anyone who could get hold of a pair of Olympic tickets. So, congratulations Anthony, I hope the third round of the men’s synchronized swimming is everything you dreamed it would be.

Be loving and supportive of your spouse always. If they get themselves into trouble, be there to bail them out. If it happens again, be there for them again. If it happens again, check the names on your marriage certificate; you may have inadvertently married Greece.

A cautionary tale from Mombassa this week, where Mr Ronald ole Kitare woke in a puddle of blood to discover that his estranged wife had cut his genitals off with a bread knife. Stephen would do well to remember poor Ronald and the moral of his tragic story: always buy sliced bread.

A marriage is union. As such, it will take money out of your paycheque every month, generate arguments out of thin air, and if you don’t pick your socks up off the bedroom floor, you’re probably heading for a general strike.

Romance itself took a battering this week as Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber announced the closure of his musical Love Never Dies after only eighteen months. Sir Andrew blamed the problems with his Phantom sequel on the fact that he was diagnosed with cancer halfway through the production process. A great pity, then, for fans of lavish love stories. And as for the rest of us, where was cancer when he was working on Cats?

Marriage is a long-term commitment; it's 'til death do us part ... or at least until your care home goes bust and the council splits you up.

Sometimes it can be hard for a newlywed to accept the new family that comes as part and parcel of getting married. So in case the groom has any worries, I'd like to remind him that he's done well all things considered. It's not like he's got Ryan Giggs for a brother-in-law.

If you're trying to assert yourself in a marriage, take a tip from the government's NHS listening exercise. When you make an unpopular suggestion, listen to the objections, think hard about what you've heard, then do exactly what you were always going to, only call it something different.

It's been a sad week for the men of Britain in one sense. We've lost a real goer. Someone who's been around the track countless times and fuelled many a teenage dream. And now the momentous day has come - they've finally taken themselves out of the race for good. I'm talking about Stirling Moss retiring! What did you think?? (don't be ridiculous, she's a lovely girl)

Kate Middleton's taken some flack this week for being spotted at two royal dos four years apart wearing the same dress. But let me tell you, if you're going to spend that kind of money on a frock, you're going to find a way to wear it more than once ... So, watch out Greg.

A while back, just for fun, the groom and I each made a list of all the people we’d like to marry. Mine ran to a dozen or so if I’m honest, but not Jack’s. His list of prospective partners looked like a FIFA ballot form. Fortunately for Susan though, it turns out Sep Blatter is already married.

Cheryl Cole's American dream came crashing down around her this week, when she was sacked from the X-Factor before it even went to air. But we shouldn't worry about her. Like the bride here, she has the support of a good man to see her through. For Cheryl, of course, it’s not Simon Cowell anymore, but the man known as 'Will-i-am'. While Stephanie has her Graham – the man known as 'Will-i-do?'.

A lot of people are worried about e-coli bacteria in cucumber at the moment, but it’s not the first time this problem has arisen, as I think Rory can confirm. When we lived together, he often bought cucumbers, and without fail he’d always spend the next day tip-toeing around as if his bum was killing him.

Present company excepted, one of the hottest couples in Britain at the moment is the unlikely pairing of Jordan and Leandro, who – in an OK interview this week – admitted that neither can speak a word of the other's language. If that's the secret to a happy relationship, it’s good news for our happy couple, because Cathy told me she hasn't the faintest idea what Robert’s going on about half the time.