Best man jokes for weddings in Jun-2012

Well, England are back from Euro 2012. No surprise there but at least it means Pete won’t have to worry about Megan’s ban on football during the honeymoon. Mind you, what kind of man wouldn’t prefer his beautiful new bride over 22 sweaty men in a field … there’s George Michael, I suppose.

A big hand for everyone who contributed to the cost of today’s fabulous celebration. A party like this needs a budget bigger than Jimmy Carr’s missing tax.

We have always thought of them as thuggish, thick-headed and uncultured, but this week’s discovery of prehistoric art by Neanderthal man is forcing scientists to reassess our ancient cousins. All of which is good news for the Bride. It looks like you might just be able to train up Graham to an acceptable standard after all.

Scientists at the annual Turing Competition in Bletchley Park have asserted that we are closer than ever to creating machines that genuinely think for themselves. I hope it gives Wendy some comfort to know that if after twenty years of marriage she feels starved of intelligent conversation, she should by then be able to get a decent chat out of the toaster.

The nation’s best known newlyweds, William and Kate, may be expecting their first baby. At least that’s what the press thinks. They say that the Queen was dropping hints when she visited a new Diamond Jubilee Maternity Ward recently. I’m not so sure. Why does the Queen visiting a maternity ward automatically mean Kate is having a baby? She passed through Hounslow last week … What does that mean? William’s having a dump?

The groom has done very well to get through today because he has recently been mourning the loss of a man who had a massive impact on him, a man who he regarded as a true hero, a man who made his passage through life so much easier. I am speaking, of course, about the passing of Eugene Polley, the inventor of the TV remote control.

With Euro 2012 in full swing, I think there’s an important lesson that the Bride & Groom can take from the England football team . Specifically – it’s bound to get tricky in the second half, but don’t let them grind you down. Stay focussed, stay united, and with a bit of luck you should at least be able to scrape a draw.

Paul McCartney’s putting himself about a bit this summer. He did the Queen’s concert. He’s doing the Olympics. If I’d known he was looking for work, I would've booked him for the reception. Although I think the groom was always more of a Mick Jagger fan. At least, I heard someone saying he was a massive Stoner back in sixth form.

Euro 2012 is about to kick off in Poland and the Ukraine. I was thinking of booking the happy couple a little trip, but after that Panorama about violent fascists on the rampage, I’m worried Barry might like it too much and want to stay.

What a week! What a party! We’ll never forget the site of her, of course, all that white .. and red and blue. To her majesty the Queen, ladies and gentlemen! Oh. Is there a wedding going on?

A special thanks to anyone who gave the bride and groom John Lewis vouchers. I've just checked online and they're trading 3 to 1 against the dollar, making them Europe's most buoyant currency!

I wanted to book the happy couple a break in Florida to celebrate their union. I even suggested it to Ben but he said 'Mate, be serious.' Unfortunately, what I heard was 'Maybe Syria.' It seemed like a weird choice, what with the massacres and everything, but the flights were really cheap so I didn't question it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have always considered myself to be a forward thinker. I knew the housing bubble had to burst, the Gaddafi regime would fall and that Chelsea would one day win the Champions League. But I never thought that Adam would get married. And to mark this occasion, the government have arranged an extra bank holiday and people are out in the streets celebrating all over the country.

It looks like Spain is fast following Greece down the economic pan. I can't pretend to know what's in store for the UK, but I will say this - get your honeymoon in quickly before cannibalism and guerrilla warfare set in on the mainland.