Best man jokes for weddings in October

For weddings October 1

I’m surprised to see (Groom) here today, to be honest. I remember saying to myself that the odds on him finding a willing bride were somewhere between Donald Trump becoming the President of the United States and Britain leaving the European Union.

For weddings October 1

(Bride), choosing (Groom) is like a migrant coming to Britain. Not the best looking choice, or the most cultured, but there are ‘benefits’.

For weddings October 1

A successful wedding night is like the aftermath of a leadership election. If you’re lucky there’ll be a huge swell in members.

For weddings October 1

Men need marriage like Americans need gun control although they don’t always recognize that. I suppose if you’ve been shooting your weapon off all over the place for years you get used to the freedom, but you can’t just let the bodies keep piling up forever… Oh, and guns are bad, too.

For weddings October 1

Although the happy couple have chosen to marry on a date that is actually World Architecture Day, I shall resist the temptation to make a tacky joke about planned erections.

For weddings October 27

On this very day, October 27, some sixty years ago the first hotel in Las Vegas opened. That got me thinking about an age old saying that compares marriage to a deck of cards. All you really need are two hearts and a diamond, although eventually there may come a time when you wish you had a club…and perhaps a spade.

For weddings October 3

This is the beginning of a long and happy history of being together for (Groom) and (Bride). But today also marks another instrumental moment in time, for it was on this day in 1990 that East and West Germany were reunited. Let’s hope this marriage is equally successful and turns the happy couple into a healthy, economic powerhouse. And, like then, (Groom) can celebrate the wall coming down tonight, allowing him easy access to parts which were previously forbidden...

For weddings October 4

Today's wedding coincides with "World Animal Day", which is ironic as (Groom) has been described as an animal in the bedroom, in that he claws at the curtains and is liable to wee in the corner...

For weddings October 7-13

This wedding occurs during "National Fire Prevention Week", which seems appropriate as (Bride) is looking smoking hot and when (Groom) proofread my speech, he reacted with alarm.

For weddings October 14

Today, October 14, is Columbus Day. Just as (Groom) and (Bride) are setting out on a voyage of discovery, not entirely sure of what the future holds, Christopher Columbus performed a similar feat in 1492 as he set sail for the Americas. And like Columbus, (Groom) is unlikely to ask for directions if he gets lost.

For weddings October 14

(Groom) and (Bride) are marrying exactly five years to the day when Austrian Felix Baumgartner became the first skydiver to break the speed of sound. The fastest man to be brought down to earth with a bump, however, will be (Groom) when I present him with my bar bill.

For weddings October 29

Remember, ladies and gentlemen, that the clocks go back tonight, so the happy couple get an extra hour in bed to ... (PAUSE) sleep off their hangovers.

For weddings October 31 - November 3

Marrying so close to Halloween makes me unsure of whether (Groom) becoming (Bride's) husband is a "trick" or "treat" although if he's lucky he may get some "candy" tonight...

For weddings October 31 - November 3

It's seems appropriate that today's wedding falls on the week of Halloween, as (Bride) probably won't be the first bride to get a fright on her wedding night from some Ghoulies.

For weddings October 31 - November 3

So, today is Halloween, the scariest night of the year, when men suffer extreme terror and women fear having the Willies put up them, which seems appropriate for a wedding night...

For weddings October 31 - November 3

Marrying so close to Halloween is an interesting choice. Mind you, it worked out well for the groom. This is the only day of the year the priest throws in a free exorcism with the wedding ceremony. Hopefully now (Groom) will be rid of last night's spirits.

For weddings October 31 - November 3

So, a toast to the Bride and Groom as they go off on their honeymoon and prepare to mark Halloween by proving that ghosts aren't the only things which go bump in the night.

For weddings October 31 - November 3

It's apt that this wedding is on Halloween, because that's when (Groom) proposed to (Bride) last year. I say proposed... he said “trick or treat!”, she didn't have any candy on her, and here we all are now.

For weddings October 31 - November 3

I'd like to propose a ghost! Toast, sorry. I'm muddling up this speech with my Halloween gags, and believe me, I feel a right ghoul. Anyway, I'm getting a-headstone of myself. Now where-wolf was I? Right, that's enough of bat. I think you all got the polter-gist.