Best man jokes for weddings in Sep-2011

I’m so chuffed to be Sam’s best man. Not just because he’s a firm friend, but also because I’ve got a massive deal on the boil in Dubai, and if Sam ever becomes Britain’s Defense Secretary, I’m hoping he’ll be able to oil the wheels for me, if you know what I mean.

I’ve heard it said that getting a laugh in a best man’s speech is like getting a standing ovation at a party conference; deeply gratifying, however insincere. To be honest, I’ll be happy if no-one starts slow-hand-clapping.

Now, I know that Elizabeth and Ashley like to get away to the countryside every now and then, so as a little something extra after your honeymoon, I’ve booked a weekend for you in a caravan on a farm … I’ve got the pamphlet here somewhere … It’s – here it is – it’s called Dale Farm in Essex and it sounds lovely. They’ve got authentic Romany caravans, a lucky heather garden and an extensive petting farm. Should be nice …

When your mate gets married, it’s like he’s won the X-Factor. And from a spectator’s point of view, it’s certainly nice to forget about all those awful, screeching birds that you had to pretend to like during the qualifying stages. The Bride gets my vote every time.

Scientists in Italy may have discovered evidence that Neutrino particles can travel faster than light, confounding the laws of physics as we understand them. Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. If they want evidence that something can travel faster than light, all they had to do was watch Barry get from his seat to the bar when last orders are called.

There’s been a lot of stuff in the news about Ed Ball’s Five Point Growth Plan, which takes me back to something similar in Brian’s early teens. His plan mostly involved eating lots of plums … and hanging weights off ‘em. Sarah can tell us if it worked …

It’s wonderful to see so many happy people here who are genuinely passionate about today’s proceedings. To think that in some hotels today, the buffet’s out, the speakers are doing their best to celebrate a winning partnership, and no one in the audience even cares … Still, that’s the Liberal Party Conference for you.

Good luck with Stuart, Paula. I'm not saying you've made a mistake, I just think someone should've told you about him failing the Red or Black background checks. No secrets, yeah?

I hope Helen & Martin know how lucky they are to have found each other. Looking for your soul-mate is like trying to find Gaddafi's kids or Nick Clegg's integrity. Only a faint trail remains …

When things get tough, take a leaf out of David Cameron's big book of diplomacy and try to work through the problem. At the moment he's busy “rebuilding” the relationship between Great Britain and Russia. Or to put it another way, forgetting about the bloke they poisoned in Yo Sushi so we can have some more oil.

Some people thought Sophie would never agree to marry Oliver, but fortunately he knew a man at The News of The World and five years later he’d finally cobbled together enough incriminating voicemail to bend her arm.

I know some new wives can be a bit funny about changing their name and perhaps losing their identity to some extent. So I’d like to reassure Gillian that whatever she’s called from now on, she’ll always be exactly the same as ever underneath. Think ‘Scottish Conservative Party’.