Best man jokes for weddings in September

For weddings September 1

On this day in 1939, Germany invaded Poland, thus signalling the start of World War II. Not the most auspicious of starts, is it (Groom) and (Bride)?

For weddings September 2

On this date in 1792, Mary Wollstonecraft published her groundbreaking book A Vindication of the Rights of Woman. And luckily for you (Groom), in order to celebrate this, (Bride) is going to spend the entire wedding night reading you extracts.

For weddings September 2

Now, September the 2nd marks another historic joint venture. It was on this day in 1992 that former enemies Russia and the United States agreed to build an international space station together. Of course, when you’re cooped up in a tin can in orbit above the planet for months on end, you have to make very sure that you’re going to get along with your crewmates. Personally, I think (Bride & Groom) would be perfect. If anything they’d get on better in zero gravity, because (Groom) wouldn’t be able to leave his pants and socks on the floor!

For weddings September 2

On September the 2nd 1666, The Great Fire of London destroyed large swathes of the city. It was commemorated with the erection of what was then London’s tallest structure, The Monument… I can’t help drawing parallels with (Bride & Groom)’s wedding day. A red hot night, and in the morning, a massive… no, I can’t say that…

For weddings September 3

It’s September the 3rd; 493 years to the day since Ferdinand Magellan led the first successful expedition to circumnavigate the globe. He died en route, unfortunately, but his crew finished the journey for him. Marriage is a bit like that, I suppose. You set out together to see the world, there are adventures and pitfalls, storms and rough patches along the way, but at the end of it, if you’re both still alive and you’ve planned your route properly, you might wind up on a beach in Spain.

For weddings September 3

(Groom), I didn’t have you down as someone who knew and respected British Royalist history. It is 363 years to that day that Oliver Cromwell brought an end to the English Civil War by defeating the Royalists at Worcester and I can only attribute (Groom)’s odd behaviour this morning to a form of tribute to Charles II. Why else would he have been hiding in that oak tree?

For weddings September 4

On this day in 1965, Help! by the Beatles went to the top of the charts. Which, by coincidence, is the song Linda was originally planning to walk down the aisle too...

For weddings September 6

106 years ago today, the American Explorer Robert Peary became the first person to reach the geographical North Pole. Actually, there’s some debate about that. He may have been as much as 97 kilometres off course. Which I suppose isn’t far off in North Pole terms, but (Groom) if I were you, I’d aim for a much smaller margin of error in your marriage. Plan your journey together with the utmost care. Protect her and shelter her. Keep her from the cold at all costs... If you ever want anyone to reach your pole again, that is.

For weddings September 6

This is the beginning of a long and happy history of being together for (Bride) and (Groom). But today also marks another instrumental moment in time, for it was on this day in 1909 that the American explorer Robert Peary became the first person to reach the North Pole. I don’t suppose (Groom) can imagine what it must be like to be stuck on a seemingly endless journey through a frigid, hostile wasteland. Constantly on edge … wondering whether your next mistake will be your last … but give him a few years of marriage.

For weddings September 6

How can we have a wedding today and not think about the Mayflower pilgrims, leaving Plymouth on September the 6th, 1620, to sail for the New World. There’s a whole new world ahead for (Bride & Groom). One with less scurvy, thankfully, and a significantly diminished fear of witchcraft.

For weddings September 6-7

Well, for those who are still naïve, impressionable, and puerile of mind, it's back to school with you on Monday. Nervous, Paul?

For weddings September 6-7

I hope you like what I’m wearing today. As you can see, I’ve taken advantage of Primark's back to school clothing range.

For weddings September 10

Today’s wedding coincides with the Last Night of the Proms, so here’s hoping that tonight our Bride and Groom will make sweet music together and with any luck (Groom) will be asked for an encore.

For weddings September 12

Did you know, it’s 93 years to the day since the Episcopal Church removed the word ‘obey’ from the bride’s wedding vows. The Church of England still gives Brides the choice to include the traditional vow, but for some reason it hasn’t got around to offering the same option for the Groom. Don’t worry, (Groom). We all know who’s in charge.

For weddings September 14

On September the 14th, 1984, Joe Kittinger became the first person to fly a balloon solo across the Atlantic Ocean. I thought about booking (Groom) a balloon flight for his stag night, but in the end we just went for some food at the pub. Same result at the end of the day… chicken in a basket.

For weddings September 19

121 years ago, New Zealand became the first self-governing country in the world to give the vote to women. Of course, women are still struggling to get their voice heard all over the world, but at least, in the 21st Century, thanks to women like (Bride), so are men.

For weddings September 28

It’s September the 28th; the day, in 1066, that a once proud, independent kingdom was overcome by a mightier, more sophisticated leader. A day not unlike today, metaphorically speaking. Let’s hope nobody loses an eye.

For weddings September 28

On this day in 1066, William the Conqueror invaded England, and claimed the throne. Paul must have been paying tribute in his own special way this morning, because he claimed the throne for at least two hours.

For weddings September 13

I wonder how many guests here are aware that today is actually Roald Dahl Day? And how many have heard that Phil first tried chatting up Julie by claiming to have something that's big, then friendly, then giant?

For weddings September 5

How appropriate that Tasha should agree to marry Ryan on the date of the annual International Day of Charity.