Best man speech template

Relentless Dig in Disguise

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I’d like to thank everyone that’s made it here to share the Bride and Groom’s big day. Many of the guests knew that I’d be speaking – and still decided to come, so a special thanks to you in particular.

Wedding days are meant to be unforgettable occasions, and this one certainly will be. The weather held out, the ceremony went without a hitch, and now a reception to rival the most glamorous celebrity do ... I really can’t imagine a more memorable way for Linda and Paul to start married life ... Ok, I can. But it would have to be an exceptionally big Jacuzzi … and a remarkably discreet escort agency … and there probably isn’t that much cocaine in the world.

When Paul asked me to be his best man, naturally I had many questions. What had I done to deserve such an honour? Who had dropped out at the last minute? Was I really the best he could come up with? Could I turn the job down and still expect an invitation to stuff myself and get drunk at his expense?

In the end, having accepted the role, I’m pretty happy with the way things went today. From a best man’s perspective, everything went smoothly. For starters, I got him to the church on time, which is a miracle for Paul as he’s hardly known for his punctuality, and until this morning he didn’t know what a church looked like. He also arrived sober, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated. And most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash For Gold and do a runner. Well done me.

Of course, the biggest responsibility for anyone in my position is the speech itself. A lot of people expect me to poke fun at the Groom. There’s a time honoured tradition of character assassination in best man’s speeches, and as I’ve known Paul so long, you might have thought I’d be dragging up embarrassing stories from his past. If so, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed.

The truth is, I’ve stood side by side with the Paul for many years now, through thick and thin. And in all that time, I’ve never seen anything but a man of integrity, honour and impeccable good character. So instead of shooting him down on his wedding day, I’d like you to join me in celebrating some of his finer characteristics …

First, let’s applaud Paul for his appearance today. He looks wonderful in his wedding suit, and I know he’s worked hard to stay in shape for the big day. In fact, for a long time now, Paul has observed a strict daily fitness regime. Every day, he locks himself in his study and raises his heart beat to double its usual rate for at least ten minutes, while vigorously working specific muscle groups. I think he must have got the idea from a fitness article that he read on the internet, because the habit first started just after he got broadband.

Paul has always aimed high and he often manages to achieve his ambitions. I remember at school, when our exams results were posted … I called him at home to find out if he’d passed. His Dad picked up and filled me in, excitedly, and I answered in the same colourful terms that he had used. “Effin’ all of them?” I remember saying, “That’s effin’ fantastic!” “No,” his Dad explained, “I said he got F - in all of them.”

Of course, our friendship goes back much further than that, to primary school in fact. There was something about Paul’s cheeky face that always cheered his classmates, so our first teacher gave him a special place in class where we could all see him. He was everyone’s favourite … until the PTA approved the budget for a real gerbil and he was let out of the cage and sent back to his desk.

As a teenager, Paul always had his own unique fashion sense. After school he would sometimes parade up and down in his favourite outfits for the amusement of his friends. For a while I even started copying what he was wearing. Unfortunately, that led to a very public and embarrassing restraining order that still keeps me 250 metres from the local branch of Knickerbox.

Back then, Paul often landed himself in trouble because of his deeply held personal beliefs. For example, it was his belief that the school’s night security team were on a ‘Training and Development’ course that led to his ill-fated decision to burglarise the technology suite during half term. He got off lightly on that occasion, but his “belief” that the our head of PE really did have a litter of puppies that he wanted to show him almost ended very badly indeed …

Even as a boy, Paul was a keen environmentalist. In fact, on our last day of school together, our Headmaster pointed out that in seven years of learning, Paul had somehow managed to use only one biro and thirty two individual sheets of paper. As I’m sure you’ll agree, that’s a remarkable achievement in conserving precious resources.

His groundbreaking conservation work continued at college, where Paul was commended for discovering a revolutionary new use for stale and discarded food. He ate it.

At college, his sporting prowess was legendary, too. In fact, when he graduated he was recognized as having made a major contribution to the college’s rugby first fifteen … by sticking to cricket.

At last the time came for Paul to make his way in the wider world. “I’m through here ,” he told me, confidently, “They can’t teach me any more.” Now, initially, I put that down to an inflated ego. But, curiously enough, my father happened to be friends with the Dean of the College at the time and when I asked him about Paul’s leaving his words were exactly the same, ‘we simply couldn’t teach him any more’.

And so to the world of work, where Paul has always given 100% to every role. He started out as a long haired, socially inept hotel dishwasher. But even in that lowly role, he achieved a level of excellence. He was the most long haired, most socially inept, hotel dishwasher you could ever imagine, and he’s gone on to build on that early promise.

But Paul’s ambition doesn’t end at the office. He’s always had a keen social conscience, so perhaps his future lies in politics. He once told me that it was his dearest desire to see no-one living on benefits in his home town … That’s why he bricked in the windows of Sports Direct.

Courageous, loyal and caring – my friend Paul has found his match in Linda. She is, without doubt, the most loving, giving, honest, kind, loyal and beautiful woman he could possibly have hoped to end up with … and I know, after the last five minutes, that you’re probably waiting for the punch-line, but this time there isn’t one. I mean every word …

How he landed her I have no idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope these personal insights have helped to convince you of what a bright future the Linda and Paul have to look forward to together. Paul once told me that he thought of marriage as being like the relationship a supporter shares with his chosen football team. Yes, there will be bad times when the road ahead looks long and hard, but there will be shared triumph, too; moments of pure love and joy. And if nothing else is going on, at least there’s the faint hope of scoring on Saturdays and special occasions.

Ladies and gentlemen, you were here for the kick-off. Please join me in raising you glasses to my dear friends, Linda and Paul, the Bride and Groom!