Witty

Best Man Speeches

Want your speech to reflect a more contemporary, deadpan style? Then fill your boots with the gags and one-liners here. Many of these centre on topics that would usually be considered serious, or even a bit taboo. If you can carry off irony and dark laughs, take a punt on this edgier material.

A Tongue-in-cheek Trashing

(A single Best Man takes a tongue-in-cheek look at his relationship with the Groom, and his special role on the wedding day.)


Here, the Best Man moulds the trials and tribulations of spending his formative years in the company of the Groom into a humorous (but meaningful) wedding speech. If you and the Groom were ever high school buddies, this speech demonstrates how to tell audience-winning anecdotes. You’ll also see how to keep details in check, ensuring the speech makes sense, and that the humour doesn't stall.

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For those of you who don’t know me, my name’s John and I’m Paul’s Best Man. As my first best manly duty I would like to thank you all, on behalf of Paul and his new wife, for sharing in their special day. For helping to eat, drink and dance through £15,000 worth of their hard-earned cash, and ensuring they begin their married life in debt up to their pretty eyeballs…

Traditional Best Man Speech Treatment

(The Best Man chronicles the Groom's personal journey from school boy idiot to charming, coveted husband.)


The Groom receives the traditional Best Man Speech treatment and is presented as a fool brought into line by a sassy Bride. This speech demonstrates how to not alienate the crowd by making them feel like impostors at your school reunion. Everyone’s in this together!

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I would like to point out that the bridesmaids did a tremendous job of ensuring the bride was cured of all her wedding day nerves. I wish you could have seen the empties...

Groom’s Hopes and Dreams (Edited Liberally by the Best Man)

(All Grooms have hopes and dreams aside from marrying the Bride. This speech takes a whimsical look at these, all the way back from school, right up to the wedding day itself. Whether any of these hopes and dreams are accurate is another thing entirely...)


The Groom has come a long way to be where he is today. This speech shows you how to celebrate that, and have some fun while you're at it. It's packed with entertaining quips about the Groom's under-performance in sports, school and at work. Oh yes, this speech also demonstrates how a full-on roast can plausibly conclude on an optimistic note. The audience (and especially the newlyweds) will appreciate that.

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Early on in Paul's school life, he decided to tread the boards as a thespian. His first opportunity came when his junior school was putting on a production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, in which Paul was cast as one of the dwarfs. From the outset, Paul became his character day and night. Many still say they’ve never seen such a virtuoso performance of Dopey.

A Wedding Speech Gamble

(An irreverent toast that reveals the full extent of the Groom’s persuasion to gambling.)


If your Groom enjoys a flutter every now and again, this is a great speech to pick him up on his vice. The important thing about this speech is that while being funny on the subject, it doesn’t go overboard. You certainly don’t want to be putting second thoughts into the head of the Bride!

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Apparently I have a reputation as someone who likes to waffle on. It has even come to my attention that Paul is running a book on the length of this best man's speech. He has personally put £100 on me droning on for over 20 minutes. Well thanks for listening, I'm done now.

Best Man’s Advice for a Happy Marriage

(The Best Man has no idea what makes for a happy marriage. Yet that doesn’t stop him from imparting his infinite wisdom.)


Struggling to find amusement from the Groom’s personality and past? This speech will get you out of a rut. The gags here are of the please-all variety; safe with guaranteed laughs. The extract below will give you an indication of the style and tone.

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Linda, you make a fine bride. You are beautiful, caring, smart - and, in Paul, I think you've made a wonderful choice of first husband.

Best Man’s Take on the Groom’s Accomplishments

(The Best Man offers an alternative perspective on the Groom’s finest accomplishments to date.)


Tongue-in-cheek revelations ensue in this classic roast format. The Best Man uses his speech to celebrate the Groom’s achievements on his ultimate day of success… but perhaps these achievements aren’t all they’ve cracked up to be. As you’ll see from the following sample, this type of speech is best for a Groom with broad shoulders.

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I've known the groom for a number of years, but Paul likes to keep himself to himself, and so when it came to sitting down and creating this speech, I was stumped. So, I thought of getting some visual help by asking his mother if she had any cute pictures of Paul when he was young. I got a puzzled look and a confused reply: ‘Pictures, yes. Cute, of course not!’

Best Man’s Wedding Day Duties

(The traditional duties of a Best Man are examined, providing the perfect set-up for Groom character bashing.)


It’s not easy being Best Man. This speech helps you use your own wedding day worries to hilarious effect. Ultimately, you still want to talk about the Groom though. Therefore as each duty is discussed, it serves as a springboard for a one-liner about the Groom. Clever and comical.

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When Paul came to me and said he wanted me to be best man, it was a great honour. However, when I checked all the duties required of me, I felt he’d be better off choosing someone else. But here I am anyway. Which reminds me, does anyone know how to tell if a fifty quid note is genuine?

Pushing the Boundaries

(The Best Man cheekily reflects on the relationship between Bride and Groom, and how it's developed since they met.)


Here, the Best Man recounts his version of the Bride and Groom’s courtship; focussing on both of them ensures everyone pays attention (that's savvy speechmaking). The humour in this speech can at times cross the ‘could cause offense’ line; that's a second reason why people will be listening avidly! However, if you think a line might evoke a squirm from the Bride, leave it out!

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First of all, I’d like to apologize in advance for any misdemeanours that may happen in the next fifteen minutes or so. I don't think I've said or done anything wrong yet, but that apology at least gives me some scope…

Childhood Friend and Best Man

(If you and the Groom go way back, there's nothing like a nostalgic reminisce to raise some laughs. Especially if you focus on some of the Groom's lesser attributes while he was growing up.)


The Groom is put to the sword by a marauding Best Man who pelts him with jokes about their past together. Remember, the audience needs to see why you’re recalling a particular anecdote; in this speech you’ll see how to tee up those tales.

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The last time I spoke at a wedding I held the audience open-mouthed. Actually, I think they all yawned at once.

Nervous Best Man

(The Best Man adds to the party spirit with a barrage of witticisms aimed firmly at himself. )


If you think you’ll be a quivering wreck, the material in this speech will save your bacon, not to mention guarantee some giggles. The speech primarily laments the loss of the Groom’s sporting prowess, questioning how the Bride will cope with his sloth-like nature. The Best Man is married so he can talk with authority on the new life that awaits the Groom.

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Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m very disappointed at the moment, but I hope it doesn’t show. It’s just that this is the first time Paul has ever paid for my dinner, and I’ve been too nervous to eat anything.

To a Recent Friend

(Only been mates with the Groom for a short while? Don't panic! It doesn’t have to be a long friendship to be a strong one. This speech proves that.)


Nervous that you don't belong in the Best Man role? Here's a memorable way of introducing yourself to the crowd; ideal if you’re concerned about looking like a stranger in a tux. This particular speech features an executive Groom and contains a gag or two about his journey up the greasy corporate pole. But it's easy enough to tailor this speech to your own Groom.

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Paul has been a great friend to me since we met all those hours ago. But seriously, over the relatively short time we've known each other, Paul has always been there for me. In fact, I remember him being there to comfort me after my first car crash. Only fair, as he was driving at the time.

The Reluctant Best Man

(A reluctant Best Man and hesitant public speaker fulfils his obligation. )


Wedding day nerves? This speech shows how to poke fun out of your predicament and prompt the audience to empathise. No one wants to be in your shoes, so people are behind you from the offing. With a touch of careful crafting, you’ll deliver a speech that’ll go down better than you could have ever wished for.

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It is a great honour, not to mention the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be the groom's best man. Paul, make sure you get this marriage to work. There's no way I'm going through this again.