Wedding ceremony jokes for a best man

(May 2018)

Every wedding ceremony is its own unique occasion, and the bizarre choices some couples make with regards to the minister, the music and the vows can be an excellent source of best man material. This is an effective way to get a reception crowd on side early, as there can be no more common ground than the wedding ceremony you all witnessed just hours before.

Whereas some anecdotes can leave the audience feeling detached, observations made of the wedding service should be warmly received - provided everyone was sober and paying attention. To show you what we mean, we've come up with a few examples of how a best man can play on the particulars of the day and score a few easy laughs from the crowd:

  1. "And what a wonderful day it's been. No drama. No arguments. No last minute pregnant women storming down the aisle towards Gary. In fact, the only hiccup was with the parking. The vicar stopped us in the church car park to tell us: 'You can't park here. It's badge holders only.' So Gary said: 'But I have got a bad shoulder.'

  1. "I think the minister sensed I was still nervous after the ceremony because he came up to me and said 'David, the best man plays a crucial role at a wedding, but you mustn't let the responsibility go to your head.' I thought that was a bit rich coming from someone so self-obsessed. The entire service was just Hymn Hymn Hymn."

  1. "As best man it's been my duty to take care of Gary and steer him away from trouble. For example, I couldn't help notice when we arrived at the church this morning Gary was carrying golf clubs. I asked him: 'What are you doing with those?' He said: 'Well, this isn't going to take all day, is it?'"

  1. "I'd never been to a church wedding before. I told the minister it was my first time - a phrase I imagine he's heard many times before. It's true though. This is all new to me. When I saw the collection box I wondered what it was for. If we give them the money up front does Gary get to leave and keep his Saturdays free?"

  1. "First I want to remark on how lovely today's service was. The minister did a fantastic job. He must do loads of these, but he still seemed so emotionally invested. I was surprised really, because I got chatting to him beforehand and he was a bit cold and standoffish. Then he stands up and delivers a cracking performance like that. I guess he must have an alter ego."

  1. "What most of you won't know is that Gary was wracked with nerves this morning. So much so that when we arrived at the church he felt quite ill. As best man, it was my duty to help my friend in his hour of need. I directed him to the back of the church and told him to go throw up outside. After no more than thirty seconds he came back looking bright as a button. It turned out he'd never left the church. He'd found a box by the door marked 'for the sick'."

  1. "It is traditional for the bridesmaids to get a lot of attention and thanks during a wedding speech, but I think the ushers Dan and Mark deserve a special mention too. After all, who but them could have directed people to those massive long seats with such poise, elegance and efficiency while four cans deep. And you only let two old ladies fall over in the process. Well done lads, you absolutely nailed it."

And finally, here's a quick ceremony-themed line that a groom could use:

  1. "Today may have looked like a prim and proper occasion but I assure you there's been drama behind the scenes. It was an absolute nightmare to organise. Like when I told Karen I didn't want to waste money on decorating the church with flowers, she started crying and said I was a self-centred bastard. You should have seen the look on my face."