Give an amusing present

I’d like to present the newlyweds with a gift. The gift is soft, gentle, long and strong – which is what I hope their marriage will be – and comes in a twin pack to represent the couple. [Present the gift to the groom – a twin pack of toilet paper]

In the spirit of giving and receiving gifts I would like to take this opportunity to present the bride and groom with a rather belated housewarming present to welcome family and friends into their new home. (Hold up door mat which has written on it BEWARE OF THE WIFE).