Opening lines

On this very special day, it is my honour and pleasure to toast the beautiful couple you see before you. First of all I’d like to ask the bride to relax. You may be expecting this speech to be full of sexual innuendo, but it isn’t. Admittedly it was at first, but my wife made me whip out the naughty bits.

Best thing about getting married was that I could start referring to Georgina as my wife. Previously I'd called her all sorts of things - none to her face, mind. No seriously, it gets confusing sometimes. As a 50-year-old man, calling her my girlfriend made me sound like a paedo, calling her my partner made people think I was gay, and referring to her as my lover made me sound like I was from Somerset.

There are many aspects of married life I enjoy and don't enjoy, but perhaps the single greatest perk is the establishment of the joint bank account. Now, since my wife Kelly is rather bad with money you may think this to be a bad thing. Not so. Only with access to her spending habits can I finally call her on her lies. £200 at Boots for 'essentials', you say?