Best man jokes for weddings in Dec-2012

As it's a Christmas wedding, (Groom) wanted to recreate the gifts from The 12 Days of Christmas for his new bride. Unfortunately, when he got to the six geese, Defra popped up to make sure they weren't being kept in proximity to the turtle doves or french hens. Apparently that song's a recipe for bird flu.

I saw the Hobbit the other day. It looks great on the surface, but it drags on and on, and after the adventure and camaraderie of the Lord of the Rings films, most of it feels like one extended dinner party with none of your real mates invited. On balance, if I'd wanted that experience, it'd be me sitting there, not (Groom).

Well, we survived the Mayan apocalypse. It turns out it wasn't the end of days ... unless they meant the days of (Groom) sitting around in his underpants all weekend playing XBox. They're over, mate.

A wedding at this time of year can remind us all what Christmas is really about - presents, parties and booze.

I’m not saying (Groom)’s lucky, but he’s got a great job, a beautiful bride, and when he was 8 he wrote to Jim’ll Fix It asking if he could go on It’s a Knockout and the stamp fell off on his way to the post box!

The government has delayed its controversial Data Bill over concerns that it allowed authorities unlimited access to information about our e-mail, browsing habits and on-line purchases. All of which means that (Groom) smashed up three old laptops with a hammer for absolutely no good reason at all.

The Australian police have warned people not to use Apple’s rubbish iPhone maps after several people became dangerously lost in the arid outback. I was going to ask if anyone used their iPhone to get here today, but of course, they wouldn’t have arrived yet.

We had a great time on the Stag Night and there were plenty of pranks played. In fact, I was going to carry on in that spirit by putting a prank call through to (Groom) last night, saying (Bride) had got last minute nerves. But after that horrible business with the DJs and the Duchess of Cambridge, I didn’t want his Mum to answer the phone and top herself!

(Father of the Bride) is of course overjoyed to see his daughter getting married today. Not for her sake particularly, he’s just glad they squeezed the reception in before the minimum price on a unit of alcohol was introduced.

The government is extending its austerity measures to 2018. So by the time Amy and Steve reach their ‘Sugar Wedding Anniversary’ at six years, it will probably have been downgraded to Sweetex.

There’s a royal baby on the way. So, now that the door’s open to commoners, Gillian and Mike have a perfect opportunity to breed up the perfect partner for our nation’s next prince or princess. Of course, there are pros and cons to marrying a royal. On the plus side, loads of money, massive house, skiing holidays … On the minus – massive ears and bald by 30.

Well, here we are; December 2012 at last. It’s the Mayan end of the world on the 21st … and the bill for the reception is due on the 22nd. Nice one, (Father of the Bride). Either you live, or you get a bargain. It’s win-win!

We’re in a time where some of our well-established institutions are under much scrutiny: the police, the National Health Service, the BBC. But there is one great institution that carries on unblemished: marriage. Thank God marriage is never in the headlines for the wrong reasons.

I know that wedding toasts are traditionally supposed to be long and sappy, humorous and touching, but in the vein of current austerity, I’ve made some serious cuts. And for those of you who booed George Osborne at the Olympics, please behave yourselves now.

You may have seen in the news this week that a drunk farmer in Poland managed to travel five miles on a tractor despite it having a wheel missing. I mention this so that Phil won't feel too pessimistic when he staggers outside later and sees what we've done to the wedding limo.

I know (Groom) and (Bride) are touched that all their friends and family could make it today despite the wintry weather. And they are also deeply appreciative that you chose their matrimony over watching the X-Factor semi final.

It is so fitting that (Groom) and (Bride) would get married in the winter. It really is their favourite time of year. They both love skiing, ice skating, going to football games... none of which they will be able to afford once the bill for this lavish shindig arrives. But I’m sure they’ll be able to fill their life together with other, equally rewarding activities: watching free sat TV, clipping coupons for Pot Noodles, moonlighting as clampers at the station car park. You know the winter staples.

Don’t worry, I won’t be revealing any of the Groom’s dark secrets. It’s not like he ever did jail time, or married a Vegas stripper, or went on Jim’ll Fix It …