Best man jokes for weddings in Oct-2011

I'm a bit gutted because I'd booked Claudia & Ryan a camping break for their honeymoon and when I drove past earlier all the tents were being dismantled and packed away. Shame. Great location. Lovely view of St. Pauls and everything …

With the entire Qantas fleet grounded due to an industrial dispute, it's a good thing that Katie and Shane weren't planning a honeymoon in Australia. Apparently it was up for discussion as a destination, but Katie made it quite clear that as far as she was concerned, once they were married he could forget about her going down under.

Thanks to the credit crunch, it's actually a great time to plan a honeymoon. You can get some amazing deals to Greece, for example. Two weeks with full board and flights for 200 quid! You do have to take your own taramasalata and hoummous though. They're in a double-dip recession.

Dave’s bagged Jenny at just the right moment. One more week and she'd've found out about the government's plans to dock benefits payments to active criminals … and who knows how that might have coloured things.

The clocks went back this week and if government plans for the abolition of British Summer Time go ahead, it might have been for the last time. This will all come as quite a shock to Emma who - due to Richard’s fondness for lie-ins - has spent the past decade believing that the clocks go back for two-and-a-half hours every Saturday and Sunday morning, and three hours on bank holidays.

A word of warning for the groom as he embarks on married life; dirty socks on the bedroom floor are to marriage as European Directives are to the Tory party. They might seem like a side issue, but every time they come up in conversation the fallout is massive.

Richard knows how lucky he is to have landed Lisa which explains his exuberant courtship technique. Rather like the Libyan rebels hunting Gaddafi, he patiently watched and waited until she popped into his sights then BANG! He bagged her ... Then he dragged her round the town all night showing her body off to everyone, so they'd know it was true.

I'm so happy to see Miles and Jenny married. People say if you make a bad partnership, things fall apart pretty quickly. Then again, we're more than a year into the coalition government and ... actually, forget I said that.

A lot of people have wondered why Suzanne and Scott chose now to get married after so long together, but after this week’s news, I think I’ve got the answer. They’re after the iPhone 4S and they needed the wedding list vouchers to afford the upgrade.

In a way, Carrie and Joe’s courtship reminds me of the recent struggles in Libya. It was a passionate affair, as hot as the Arabian Desert and as heartfelt as the rebels’ thirst for freedom. Of course, the way things have turned out, Carrie didn’t manage to hold out quite as long as Colonel Gaddafi.

I know it's hard to believe, but Brian and Karen weren’t the only ones planning a wedding this week. Sir Paul McCartney has married again to wealthy heiress Nancy Shevell. So at least this time there can be no accusations of gold-digging. As for his last wife, well … I bet he regrets ever going down on one knee … or whatever her name was.

Scotland’s Catholic Church has stepped up its attack on gay marriage this week. I think that’s a shame in the 21st Century. Surely by now gay people have earned the right to be as miserable, resentful, trapped and desperate as the rest of us?