Oscar Wilde once suggested, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." We, here at TheBestManSpeech.com, have gathered lots of experience. We have been to plenty of weddings, witnessed plenty speeches, and, yes, we have made note of plenty of mistakes. Here then, so you don't have to, we share a Top 10 of our … er … experience:
1. Like your underwear for a basketball game, keep it brief.
Try to say everything you need to say in less than 1000 words, or 7 minutes. This is not a VH-1 Behind the Music episode of the groom's life, detailing every up and down, every little story, every conversation, every time a groupie raided his tour bus and … sorry, you know what I mean. People's attention spans are pretty short, especially when there is drinking and dancing to be done. Keep it short, and you'll maximize enjoyment while minimizing the opportunities for cricket-chirping dead air and epidemic eye-rolling.
2. You don't want your family hearing about your crazy ex either, do you?
Please refrain from telling stories you think are funny (and, on the right bar stool, probably are) about his ex(es). He has left his shenanigans of the past behind; it is now time to celebrate his eternal union with another woman, not a time to inform the bride's great uncle that the groom's ex-girlfriend still texts him at odd hours for no reason. His new wife is all that matters-and all that ever will from now on.
3. Speaking of his wife …
Hell hath no fury like a bride not complimented in a Best Man speech. Say something nice about her. Please. Not because you feel like you have to. But because she is almost surely a wonderful woman, having captured your best friend's heart, and because she really does look beautiful. This one isn't so difficult, but the consequences can be dire.
4. You kiss your date with that mouth, too?
Another easy one: Don't swear. It is unbecoming in such a setting, rarely adds anything new to the speech, likely offends a few people, and just sounds vulgar-not funny. There are plenty of ways to get a laugh; turning into Andrew "Dice" Clay for seven minutes is not one of them.
5. Enough about the groom, let's talk about me …
This is the groom's night (well, it's actually the bride's night-see #3), so make it about him, and his newly betrothed. Insert yourself into the speech, of course, but don't revolve it around you. Clinical tests have demonstrated that approximately 87% of the people there don't give a damn about your personal life; they are there to celebrate two people, and two people only. Remember that.
6. Leave the PowerPoint for the conference room.
Don't rely on a multi-media spectacle to do the dirty work for you. Use your poignant, hilarious words and simple gestures to make your point. This is a wedding, a boisterous celebration-not a third-quarter earnings report to the board of directors.
7. We know you two are close, but come on.
While a certain amount of heartfelt emotion is welcome for the occasion, and wringing a few tears can be as rewarding as getting some good laughs, please don't be overly sentimental in professing your love and admiration for the bride and the groom. Guests want entertainment, and unless for them that means Hallmark cards and Lifetime movies, this is the time to keep them entertained in other ways, with good jokes and amusing anecdotes.
8. Keep it together.
The evening itself is about, above all else, connection. And your speech should follow suit, connecting one idea to another in a fluid, almost undetectable way. A disjointed speech is hard to follow and, hence, easy to tune out. If something doesn't fit the overall tone of your speech, then it is a good sign that it doesn't belong. Perfect for the cutting-room floor. (See #1 above.)
9. And then, on October 10, 1984, at 6:37 p.m., wearing stone-washed Lee jeans and a Daryl Hall and John Oates t-shirt, eating a Twinkie …
Your speech needs humor, but not excessive detail. You should make the story as universal as possible, leaving behind the specifics that make it something only you and the groom and a few others will find enjoyable. It's the power of the message the story relays, not the arcane details, that makes it truly worth telling.
10. What's that you say?
Sorry, I can't hear you. What good is a great speech, which you, with our help, are on your way to creating and delivering, if no one can hear it? Speak into the mic, speak to the back of the room, and annunciate clearly. Save the mumbly slurring for the after-party. Be loud, be proud. You are the best man, after all.
TheBestManSpeech.com: We experience. So you don't have to.