Best man speech 5

Category: USA Roast

Welcome families, welcome friends, welcome designated drivers. What a joyous occasion this is. No wedding has ever been graced by a lovelier bride. Linda, you are a vision to behold. And Paul, well done for having a shave.

Many of you probably know that Paul and I go way back. This man and I have known each other since primary school. But I’m not here to get your sympathy.

It was in that humble school room that I found out what a sensitive, caring friend Paul could be. One time when we were in the second year I must have looked unhappy, because you know what Paul did? He gave me his pencil. And I have no doubt, Linda, that he’ll do the same for you. (As I recall, it was a short, stubby pencil.)

But don’t let Paul’s sensitive side fool you. He can be one tough dude. We both went to a parochial school in the inner city. One afternoon some gang-bangers were hanging out by the front gate. I was afraid to walk by them, but Paul said not to worry. Just as we got past them, we heard footsteps. I was scared, but Paul whirled, threw a left, a right and an uppercut. That nun was in a coma for three days.

Sensitive and tough, that’s Paul. And did I mention - talented? No? Good, because it doesn’t really apply to Paul… but he is cool under pressure. Let me set the scene: High school. Basketball. Regional finals. One second on the clock. We’re down by two. Paul at the line for a pair of free throws. He makes the first. Now we need one to tie and send the game into overtime. Paul gives that wry smile of his – I know some of you think that’s a tic, or maybe Bells Palsy – but it’s not. It’s a wry smile. Anyway, a couple of dribbles, wry smile, and then he shoots. Airball. Our home crowd went ballistic. The drink cups they were throwing were hitting Paul in the face, but he just turned to them and said, “Don’t hurt me, I have Bell’s Palsy.” That’s some quick thinking, that’s stepping up, that’s being cool under pressure.

But that’s Paul. Or as his parents used to say “thaaat’s Paul.” But he’s more than that. Thank god. One could go on and on listing Paul’s merits, and he often does. Let’s save him the trouble and make the list: Wry smile, prodigious nacho eater, good judge of shampoos, consistent twenty-nine handicapper, usually wears shoes, great kisser – at least in my opinion. What else? Of course - solid as a rock. If you don’t believe me, try moving him off the couch during Monday Night Football.

Oh, how Paul loves his football. Linda, you are so lucky. You will have all your Sundays, your Monday nights and Thursday nights to yourself. I didn’t mention Saturday days because Paul told me how much you love college football. I heard wrong? Well, then you’re on your own on Saturdays, as well, which will make those other non-football days so much more special. Of course, there is the fantasy football time where Paul needs to be online. Or I think that’s what he does online. He sure spends a lot of time at the computer. But that’s the time, Linda, which you will have to reflect on your feelings for Paul, and to consider all your options.

And options you will have aplenty, Linda, because you’re gorgeous, intelligent, witty and kind. In fact, I’m writing my number on this cocktail napkin. Check the TV schedule for the games. That could be our time.

Ah, what’s the use. Linda would never consider such a thing. She’s way too classy. The woman loves you, Paul. “Why” is another matter best left to neuroscience. Yes, I foresee a vibrant, fruitful marriage for Paul and Linda. I will put my money on this couple. They can’t do worse than that Enron stock I bought.

And that brings me to my advice for you. Don’t put your money in shaky investments. The best investment is in each other’s hearts. Oil leases aren’t bad either. In fact there’s a little thing I head about in Kazakhstan.... well, now’s not the time.

For this is Paul and Linda’s time. And it’s the time to raise a glass. To the bride and groom! I wish you a long and happy marriage.