Everyone looks forward to the best man's speech - except the person who has to write it! But through studying those who have flourished and failed before, we've compiled all sorts of jokes, tips, roasts and toasts to help make speechwriting as painless as possible.
Jokes For A Best Man Speech - This Week's Picks
Struggling to find your funny bone? Whether your groom is a fat egotistical mechanic or a self-employed tutor with an interest in pigeons, our archive of tailored material will arm you with umpteen ways to insult him. We offer the largest and most up-to-date collection of best man speech jokes, and here's a taste of what we've come up with this week:
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"David's not a natural mover, so if anything made him nervous today it was always going to be the first dance. I encouraged him to take a few lessons, but they didn't work out. He tried the waltz first, but it was one step forward, two steps back. So he moved on to the tango, but his progress was painfully slow… slow, quick-quick, slow."
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"I must thank you, on the bride and groom's behalf, for your wonderfully generous gifts. I'm not sure Dave's opened mine yet, though I gave it to him this morning. It was a dictionary. After agreeing to give a speech in public, I thought it might help him find the words to thank me!"
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"What do you think of my suit? It's a bit baggy if you ask me, but when I asked how it looked, the bloke at the rental place said 'Abysmal,' so I went for the next size up."
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"What do you think of Pete in his suit? Looking pretty trim, isn't he? I think it's something to do with Julie's pre-wedding 'clean living' drive. She never lets up; I've heard her talking to him. 'Clean the car. Clean the kitchen. Clean your teeth. Clean your shoes...'"
How To Write A Best Man Speech
Our curated selection of best man material has you covered from the first word to the last, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between. To begin with, you may want to check out our list of contingency lines, which you can use in case the speech you're about to prepare is lost, interrupted or devastatingly unfunny. If you use our guides and content properly, this last one shouldn't happen, but we can't guarantee you won't cock it up somehow. We don't know you, and you might be an idiot.
All being well, you'll then want to figure out how to open your speech, followed by a quick introduction as to who you are and why anyone should care. This should lead you nicely into a description of your relation to the groom, where you can discuss how you met, what you thought of each other and why he's such a bang-up guy.
Now of course, the only reason you've praised the groom so much is to ensure the roast which follows is extra crispy. Don't get carried away, though, because while character assassination is expected, there are some lines you'll want to avoid. And once you've thrown a few harsh truths his way, maybe let the groom have a bit of a chuckle too, by reminiscing over some amusing tales from your friendship.
This would create a poignant transition into a more heartfelt tribute to the groom, where you can express pride at being asked to be best man or offer up thoughts on why he makes excellent husband material. You'll then have the perfect segue into a discussion of the day itself, where humorous wedding observations can be used to break up the mushy stuff. However, it's often a good idea to follow this up with a compliment on how the wedding day turned out, lest everyone starts to think you'd rather be somewhere else!
We also have plenty of useful speech hooks, including visual gags and seasonal lines, which work to break up anecdotes, transition to different themes or as a topper on an already funny segment. But try to steer clear of too much humour when you're addressing delicate issues, as while you may joke about such things with friends, doing so can cause awkward tension within the context of a wedding speech.
Then it's time to give the bride a mention - she's an important part of the day after all. Nothing but compliments at first, but then feel free to drop in some entertaining anecdotes about how she met the groom, or indeed your first impressions of the bride. It's also a good idea to offer up some non-anecdotal observations, such as a humorous take on the bride and groom's relationship, as this will help the audience feel more included in the speech.
Now you're on the home straight, it's time to get super sincere. Praising the couple for being a great match means your compliment is directed at both of the newlyweds equally. The best man then has a few traditional thankyous to deliver, which should be followed by your choice of a sentimental ending or a humorous closing line, depending on which seems appropriate.
Your final act will be to offer up a toast to the happy couple, which can come in the form of a joke, a blessing or even a poem if you're feeling brave. Then your job is done. Your speech is finally over. It's time to sit back, relax, and get leathered with your mates.
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Giving Long Best Man Speech Jokes Short Shrift
All too often, best men include too much information in their gag because they presume the audience won't get it otherwise. In the land of best man speech comedy, it is the shortest jokes which wield the most power. Continue To Article »
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"It's understandable to experience butterflies on your wedding day and I knew Gary was nervous when he asked me if I had anything to get rid of diarrhoea. I offered him some tablets; it turns out he was after a mop and bucket. "
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"This marriage nearly didn't go ahead. Last week these two fell out and Sandra was so mad she told James to pack his bags, the wedding was off. As he walked out she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death', and he thought 'What relief, it's back on'."
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"I was so nervous at the prospect of speaking in front of you all today I sought advice from the father of the bride. He said, "On the morning of the wedding, don't eat anything fatty. I replied, "You mean like bacon or sausage?" He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!""
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"And finally, a massive thank you to the wedding planner for donating a large sheet of plastic covering which we placed on top of the pavilion in case rain disrupted the ceremony. Ta Pauline! "
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