Everyone looks forward to the best man's speech - except the person who has to write it! But through studying those who have flourished and failed before, we've compiled all sorts of jokes, tips, roasts and toasts to help make speechwriting as painless as possible.
Jokes For A Best Man Speech - This Week's Picks
Struggling to find your funny bone? Whether your groom is a fat egotistical mechanic or a self-employed tutor with an interest in pigeons, our archive of tailored material will arm you with umpteen ways to insult him. We offer the largest and most up-to-date collection of best man speech jokes, and here's a taste of what we've come up with this week:
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"For those of you who don't me, I'm Gary's best friend, Jim. We've been thick as thieves for… oh… three and half days now. He found me on Gumtree listed under odd jobs. Anyway, it's great to be here. It was this or half a day of landscaping work."
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"Andy and Julie, eh? They set it would never last, and yet here we are - four hours past the photographs and still going strong… though I thought I saw cracks starting to form when he took the last chicken satay at the buffet."
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"Trust and kindness; those are the pillars of a successful marriage. I trust my wife completely, and I know she trusts me. As for kindness, look at this new suit I'm wearing. It was a present from her just this week. It wasn't my birthday, or Christmas. It was just a random act of kindness. I came home early from work and there it was, hanging over the chair in our bedroom. It's so nice that I wanted to put it away in the wardrobe straight away for safekeeping, but she said 'NO! DON'T LOOK IN THE WARDROBE!' Silly muffin."
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"You mustn't ever take your wife for granted, so here's some advice about date nights. If you're going out for a meal, give your wife plenty of time to get her coat on. That way she'll be less annoyed when you turn the central heating off on your way out the door…Leave some snacks out for her too. It's only fair."
How To Write A Best Man Speech
Our curated selection of best man material has you covered from the first word to the last, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between. To begin with, you may want to check out our list of contingency lines, which you can use in case the speech you're about to prepare is lost, interrupted or devastatingly unfunny. If you use our guides and content properly, this last one shouldn't happen, but we can't guarantee you won't cock it up somehow. We don't know you, and you might be an idiot.
All being well, you'll then want to figure out how to open your speech, followed by a quick introduction as to who you are and why anyone should care. This should lead you nicely into a description of your relation to the groom, where you can discuss how you met, what you thought of each other and why he's such a bang-up guy.
Now of course, the only reason you've praised the groom so much is to ensure the roast which follows is extra crispy. Don't get carried away, though, because while character assassination is expected, there are some lines you'll want to avoid. And once you've thrown a few harsh truths his way, maybe let the groom have a bit of a chuckle too, by reminiscing over some amusing tales from your friendship.
This would create a poignant transition into a more heartfelt tribute to the groom, where you can express pride at being asked to be best man or offer up thoughts on why he makes excellent husband material. You'll then have the perfect segue into a discussion of the day itself, where humorous wedding observations can be used to break up the mushy stuff. However, it's often a good idea to follow this up with a compliment on how the wedding day turned out, lest everyone starts to think you'd rather be somewhere else!
We also have plenty of useful speech hooks, including visual gags and seasonal lines, which work to break up anecdotes, transition to different themes or as a topper on an already funny segment. But try to steer clear of too much humour when you're addressing delicate issues, as while you may joke about such things with friends, doing so can cause awkward tension within the context of a wedding speech.
Then it's time to give the bride a mention - she's an important part of the day after all. Nothing but compliments at first, but then feel free to drop in some entertaining anecdotes about how she met the groom, or indeed your first impressions of the bride. It's also a good idea to offer up some non-anecdotal observations, such as a humorous take on the bride and groom's relationship, as this will help the audience feel more included in the speech.
Now you're on the home straight, it's time to get super sincere. Praising the couple for being a great match means your compliment is directed at both of the newlyweds equally. The best man then has a few traditional thankyous to deliver, which should be followed by your choice of a sentimental ending or a humorous closing line, depending on which seems appropriate.
Your final act will be to offer up a toast to the happy couple, which can come in the form of a joke, a blessing or even a poem if you're feeling brave. Then your job is done. Your speech is finally over. It's time to sit back, relax, and get leathered with your mates.
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What Type of Comedian Are You?
Figure out exactly what type of comedian you actually are before going all-in and turning your wedding speech into a stand-up routine. Continue To Article »
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"Wedding days are emotional for a variety of reasons. For me, the most emotional part isn't the bride walking down the aisle, the vows or the first dance. No, it's when they say the free bar is closing."
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"Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of writing this wedding speech... At first I thought it should be clean, but then it got messy and I needed more paper!"
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"Unlike Paul, I don't think marriage is on the cards for me. Nope. All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless life full of anger and regret. Suicide is the only way out. And while Paul's dealing with all that, I'll be down the pub with my mates."
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"Has anyone else been getting loads of nuisance calls lately? Aren't they annoying? Where's Mark? Why's Mark got a black eye? Did you get Mark drunk and convince him to get that tattoo of a naked lady riding a horse? God they're so annoying.."
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