Everyone looks forward to the best man's speech - except the person who has to write it! But through studying those who have flourished and failed before, we've compiled all sorts of jokes, tips, roasts and toasts to help make speechwriting as painless as possible.
Jokes For A Best Man Speech - This Week's Picks
Struggling to find your funny bone? Whether your groom is a fat egotistical mechanic or a self-employed tutor with an interest in pigeons, our archive of tailored material will arm you with umpteen ways to insult him. We offer the largest and most up-to-date collection of best man speech jokes, and here's a taste of what we've come up with this week:
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"When I was brainstorming ideas for this speech, I asked Karen if Matthew was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens. "
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"Wanting to look my best for this wedding I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £20. Instead, I donated my suit to the charity shop next door. They repaired and ironed it, and put it in the window. I bought it back for £6.50 and I proudly stand before you. "
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"The bride and groom said they wanted a best man who is loyal, trustworthy and above all secretive. I can't tell you how much this honour means to me."
How To Write A Best Man Speech
Our curated selection of best man material has you covered from the first word to the last, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between. To begin with, you may want to check out our list of contingency lines, which you can use in case the speech you're about to prepare is lost, interrupted or devastatingly unfunny. If you use our guides and content properly, this last one shouldn't happen, but we can't guarantee you won't cock it up somehow. We don't know you, and you might be an idiot.
All being well, you'll then want to figure out how to open your speech, followed by a quick introduction as to who you are and why anyone should care. This should lead you nicely into a description of your relation to the groom, where you can discuss how you met, what you thought of each other and why he's such a bang-up guy.
Now of course, the only reason you've praised the groom so much is to ensure the roast which follows is extra crispy. Don't get carried away, though, because while character assassination is expected, there are some lines you'll want to avoid. And once you've thrown a few harsh truths his way, maybe let the groom have a bit of a chuckle too, by reminiscing over some amusing tales from your friendship.
This would create a poignant transition into a more heartfelt tribute to the groom, where you can express pride at being asked to be best man or offer up thoughts on why he makes excellent husband material. You'll then have the perfect segue into a discussion of the day itself, where humorous wedding observations can be used to break up the mushy stuff. However, it's often a good idea to follow this up with a compliment on how the wedding day turned out, lest everyone starts to think you'd rather be somewhere else!
We also have plenty of useful speech hooks, including visual gags and seasonal lines, which work to break up anecdotes, transition to different themes or as a topper on an already funny segment. But try to steer clear of too much humour when you're addressing delicate issues, as while you may joke about such things with friends, doing so can cause awkward tension within the context of a wedding speech.
Then it's time to give the bride a mention - she's an important part of the day after all. Nothing but compliments at first, but then feel free to drop in some entertaining anecdotes about how she met the groom, or indeed your first impressions of the bride. It's also a good idea to offer up some non-anecdotal observations, such as a humorous take on the bride and groom's relationship, as this will help the audience feel more included in the speech.
Now you're on the home straight, it's time to get super sincere. Praising the couple for being a great match means your compliment is directed at both of the newlyweds equally. The best man then has a few traditional thankyous to deliver, which should be followed by your choice of a sentimental ending or a humorous closing line, depending on which seems appropriate.
Your final act will be to offer up a toast to the happy couple, which can come in the form of a joke, a blessing or even a poem if you're feeling brave. Then your job is done. Your speech is finally over. It's time to sit back, relax, and get leathered with your mates.
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"It's a dreadful shame Craig and Rebecca had to cut the guest list down for their wedding reception, but on the plus side, they've kept the best looking ones for the photos. They'll be coming in later to replace us."
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"This wedding was supposed to take place last year and I hope the reason for the postponement is obvious. But just to be clear it had nothing to do with Covid, the groom insisted on wearing his old suit and it's taken him this long to fit in it."
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"Marriage isn't as popular as it once was, so I feel I need to explain something to the younger guests. Just because the bride entered and left the church with different men, it doesn't mean she's a swinger."
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"When Paul asked me to be his best man, I naturally had many questions. What have I done to deserve this honour-slash-punishment? Who dropped out last minute? Should I mention that thing with the aubergine? Can I call him a nobhead? And if I say no, do I still get to come to the sit-down do? Apparently, the answers are nothing, no-one, no, no and absolutely not."