Everyone looks forward to the best man's speech - except the person who has to write it! But through studying those who have flourished and failed before, we've compiled all sorts of jokes, tips, roasts and toasts to help make speechwriting as painless as possible.
Jokes For A Best Man Speech - This Week's Picks
Struggling to find your funny bone? Whether your groom is a fat egotistical mechanic or a self-employed tutor with an interest in pigeons, our archive of tailored material will arm you with umpteen ways to insult him. We offer the largest and most up-to-date collection of best man speech jokes, and here's a taste of what we've come up with this week:
-
"As best man, I'm expected to give the groom a bit of a roasting in my speech, so I've been combing through his life, looking for something embarrassing to drag up. Drug dealers. Lap dancers. Loan sharks. Abandoned partners. Secret children… I spoke to the lot, but none of them had a bad word to say about him!"
-
"I think John's going to make a great husband, don't you? I mean sure, he's a little impulsive. Maybe he makes spur of the moment decisions without thinking things through... But who am I to say? I only met him last night in the pub."
-
"I know it runs against the usual best man etiquette, but I think it's important that you know how Tony spent his last night of freedom, because it was pretty epic. Yes, ladies and gents, Tony organised a threesome at his hotel room! I asked him how it had gone when I saw him the next morning. He said there were a couple of no-shows, but personally he had a cracking time."
-
"My eyes nearly popped out of my head the first time I saw these two together. Little black dress, pin-sharp stilettos, fishnets, hair extensions… bit of a weird look for Dave, but he just about pulled it off."
How To Write A Best Man Speech
Our curated selection of best man material has you covered from the first word to the last, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between. To begin with, you may want to check out our list of contingency lines, which you can use in case the speech you're about to prepare is lost, interrupted or devastatingly unfunny. If you use our guides and content properly, this last one shouldn't happen, but we can't guarantee you won't cock it up somehow. We don't know you, and you might be an idiot.
All being well, you'll then want to figure out how to open your speech, followed by a quick introduction as to who you are and why anyone should care. This should lead you nicely into a description of your relation to the groom, where you can discuss how you met, what you thought of each other and why he's such a bang-up guy.
Now of course, the only reason you've praised the groom so much is to ensure the roast which follows is extra crispy. Don't get carried away, though, because while character assassination is expected, there are some lines you'll want to avoid. And once you've thrown a few harsh truths his way, maybe let the groom have a bit of a chuckle too, by reminiscing over some amusing tales from your friendship.
This would create a poignant transition into a more heartfelt tribute to the groom, where you can express pride at being asked to be best man or offer up thoughts on why he makes excellent husband material. You'll then have the perfect segue into a discussion of the day itself, where humorous wedding observations can be used to break up the mushy stuff. However, it's often a good idea to follow this up with a compliment on how the wedding day turned out, lest everyone starts to think you'd rather be somewhere else!
We also have plenty of useful speech hooks, including visual gags and seasonal lines, which work to break up anecdotes, transition to different themes or as a topper on an already funny segment. But try to steer clear of too much humour when you're addressing delicate issues, as while you may joke about such things with friends, doing so can cause awkward tension within the context of a wedding speech.
Then it's time to give the bride a mention - she's an important part of the day after all. Nothing but compliments at first, but then feel free to drop in some entertaining anecdotes about how she met the groom, or indeed your first impressions of the bride. It's also a good idea to offer up some non-anecdotal observations, such as a humorous take on the bride and groom's relationship, as this will help the audience feel more included in the speech.
Now you're on the home straight, it's time to get super sincere. Praising the couple for being a great match means your compliment is directed at both of the newlyweds equally. The best man then has a few traditional thankyous to deliver, which should be followed by your choice of a sentimental ending or a humorous closing line, depending on which seems appropriate.
Your final act will be to offer up a toast to the happy couple, which can come in the form of a joke, a blessing or even a poem if you're feeling brave. Then your job is done. Your speech is finally over. It's time to sit back, relax, and get leathered with your mates.
New Features
What Type of Comedian Are You?
Figure out exactly what type of comedian you actually are before going all-in and turning your wedding speech into a stand-up routine. Continue To Article »
-
"Wedding days are emotional for a variety of reasons. For me, the most emotional part isn't the bride walking down the aisle, the vows or the first dance. No, it's when they say the free bar is closing."
-
"Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of writing this wedding speech... At first I thought it should be clean, but then it got messy and I needed more paper!"
Continue To Article »
-
"Unlike Paul, I don't think marriage is on the cards for me. Nope. All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless life full of anger and regret. Suicide is the only way out. And while Paul's dealing with all that, I'll be down the pub with my mates."
Continue To Article »
-
"Has anyone else been getting loads of nuisance calls lately? Aren't they annoying? Where's Mark? Why's Mark got a black eye? Did you get Mark drunk and convince him to get that tattoo of a naked lady riding a horse? God they're so annoying.."
Continue To Article »