If you are asked to welcome the guests

The fact that so many of you have travelled such distances to be here is a tribute to Paul and Linda. They make a wonderful couple and I’m delighted that things have gone so well for them. On a personal note this wedding has given me the opportunity to meet many of Paul’s relatives for the first time. Despite what he’s been saying, I think you’re all alright.

I want to welcome you all to the wedding of Linda and Paul. This is the one occasion when Paul’s friends get to spend an evening with his family, and I can tell you he’s feeling slightly uncomfortable at the prospect. He has, in fact, asked me to announce the following list of contentious subjects that are banned from conversation tonight: Paul’s A-level results, Paul’s criminal record, Paul’s supposed trial with Arsenal, and finally, Paul’s whereabouts the day all those sheep went missing in Devon. Steer clear of those and we’ll all have a good time.