If you are asked to thank people for coming

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  1. I am sure that I speak for Paul and Linda in thanking you all for coming today, and helping them to eat and drink through £10,000 worth of their hard earned money, condemning their early years of marriage to hardship, destitution and debt.

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  2. I'd like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their wedding day. Particularly both sets of parents for making this day possible, biologically and financially. Also a special thanks to those of you who have travelled a long distance to be here. Personally, I wish that you'd all stayed at home, as this would be a lot easier on me. But I am testament myself to the lengths a man will go to for a free meal … and Paul’s redundant porn collection.

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