Topical Wedding Toast Jokes

"Congratulations to Tom and Susan. And how wonderful to get married the same week of St. Patrick's Day - a day when we think of leprechauns, and shamrocks, and rainbows. Oh, and I saw the catering bill Tom... you might want to start looking for that pot-of-gold."

"Today's wedding reminded me of last weekend's Oscars ceremony - the wonderful dresses, the beautiful venue and the gushing speeches. But at the end of the night, only (Groom) gets to take home a trophy."

"You know I'm happy to give this Best Man's speech, but I just read this week that Hillary Clinton is going to be hitting the public speaking circuit and is expected to command six-figure fees. I'm getting a couple of drinks and a set of cufflinks for this. . . I think I missed something in the negotiations."

"As well as Tom and Tina's marriage there are other reasons to celebrate this week. Apple have just announced they're working on an iwatch. But Tom, just to clarify, now that you're married, you'll get all the information on when and where you need to be from Tina."

"Congratulations to Ted and Sue on their wedding. You know marriage is a lot like this week's Super Bowl. There will be a lot of highs and lows... and occasionally Ted, things will just come to a screeching halt and you'll be kept in the dark for an extended period of time, with no explanation, wondering what happened."

"Congratulations Tom and Debbie. You know you're getting married in a week in which President Obama reminded us that all men are created equal. But Tom, don't start thinking that that applies to you in your marriage."

"Congratulations to Susan and Tom. And since it's the Christmas holiday season, I'd like to remind Tom that marriage is a lot like the Salvation Army bell ringer standing outside the grocery store - the more money you can give her, the less guilt you'll have."

"Congratulations to John and Mary. And you got married the week after Thanksgiving - the day we eat more food and gain more weight than any other day in the year! So I think I speak for everyone when I say that you two newlyweds aren't the only ones who are looking forward to taking your clothes off tonight."

"Every day we're hearing more and more about the affair of General David Petreaus. So let this be a reminder to Bob that if the head of the CIA can't even keep his own secrets, Bob might want to watch what he does too."

"Congratulations to Tom and Susan. And getting married during election week? The same week that our country elects a leader and chief of staff, Tom gets one too."

"In an ironic twist, the Statue of Liberty just re-opened. Our biggest symbol of freedom opens the same week Tom loses his."

"Tom looks great on his wedding day doesn't he? I won't say it's funny to see Tom all dressed up, but already today FIVE people have stopped him to remind him that Halloween is next week."

"It's fitting that Tom is getting married the same week that Lance Armstrong is being asked to return 4 million dollars in prize money. It's always good to remind new grooms of what happens to cheaters."