Ushers - The Perfect Wedding Speech Fall Guys

(June 2016)

Wedding ushers are a lot like tinted windows on a Ford Fiesta; they're a nice bit of decoration that's not really necessary. If the wedding party was a football team, the Ushers would be Phil Neville. However, if you have decided to employ a few well-dressed gentlemen on the day to mill about the place then there are a variety of things you can use them for, such as showing people to their seats, helping elderly folk to and from the loos and, of course, target practice. Go on, nobody will miss one.

But there's another often overlooked duty which wedding ushers can perform - the role of joke sponge. And as wedding speech video demonstrates, they're great fodder for all kinds of disposable and fun wedding material. Ushers are an easy target for many reasons, but mostly because they're getting a free meal for doing literally bugger all. If you're looking to throw a few barbs into a wedding speech when your bride and groom are a little on the sensitive side, then hurl some zingers in the Ushers' direction instead and allow them to take your verbal bullets:

  1. "Let's also thank the ushers, who often play the most underrated part of a wedding. I like to think of them as a bidet; no-one really knows what they do, but they add a touch of class."

  1. "The ushers contribution to today reminds me of the Kardashians - they're absolutely everywhere and not doing very much."

Those are obviously a couple of easy jokes to get things going, but don't be afraid of laying into the poor fellas, especially if you're a best man lording it up over your underlings. Grooms can also use the Ushers' low status to generate material, as both this wedding toast video and this slightly more aggressive line demonstrates:

  1. "The unspoken rule of wedding day etiquette is that bridesmaids and ushers should never look as good as the bride and groom. And whilst the bridesmaids are pushing their luck a little, Pete, Mark and Harry have paid this rule a little too much respect, looking as they do like a group of Poundstretcher Mitchell brothers/sex offenders."

As you can see we've given you an alternate punch-line there, because depending on your family's sense of humour the comparison between Ushers and sex criminals may not go down too well. It's always important to judge the tone correctly when mocking others, and you might find that a more generalised approach to your verbal assaults may be received far better than picking out specific undesirable traits:

  1. "I'd like to make a special thank you to the Ushers for their help today. Without you Chris and Tony, all of this would have still been possible."

  1. "I'd like to thank Chester Zoo for giving Gary and Vince day release from the monkey enclosure. Thankfully we were able to stop them throwing faeces just before the reception started."

Alternatively you may even want to avoid mocking the ushers directly and instead make fun of their limited duties for the day. Some Ushers actually have no clue what their responsibilities are, as this father of the bride makes clear with his little quip. But let's face it, there isn't an easier job at a wedding than that of Usher, so why not play up to this with a funny comparison to the stressful duties of the bride's mother, or just a general attack on the way they've failed to complete the most simple of tasks:

  1. "One big thank you has to go to the absolute star of the show. Without them this wedding wouldn't have been possible, and I know they've gone through a lot of stress to organise everything, so let's please give it up for those hardworking boys Rick and Phil! I'm joking obviously, well done Margaret, you've been a star. Unlike Rick and Phil, whose job was so easy nobody would've noticed if you'd been replaced by a signpost… which would've also stood more of a chance with the single ladies here."

  1. "The bridesmaids get a lot of attention at weddings, but to balance things out I'd like to give a special mention to the Ushers who had the extremely difficult job of standing still, pointing, and picking their noses. Well done lads, 1 out of 3 ain't bad."

But as with all things it's important to not go too over the top, so ensure any aggressive remarks in your speech are topped off with at least a sliver of comfort for those you've targeted. A witty observation or even the most half-baked compliment can lighten things up, and put a smile back on those dopey-faced Ushers and everyone else to boot:

  1. "I'm only joking of course. Because whilst Barry, Keith and Ian have done a reasonable job at ushering, they've been fantastic at taking my jokes. Just think of the sympathy hugs you'll get later on… yes boys, you're welcome!"

So whether you're stuck for jokes, you've got a family more sensitive than an exposed gumline, or you just hate the blokes on Usher duty, the advice and material we've provided should hopefully inspire you to come up with a few Usher-bashing barbs of your own.