Best man jokes for weddings in July

For weddings July 1

I keep thinking about Hong Kong. It’s 19 years to the day since Britain handed it back to the Chinese; surrendering a beautiful, vibrant jewel from its paternal care, into the hands of a morally dubious and borderline tyrannical new rule… I don’t know what brought it to mind.

For weddings July 4

(Bride) and (Groom) have chosen a day to marry that is of real historical significance, July 4th – US Independence Day. And, on a related note, this is the also the day (Groom) lost his independence.

For weddings July 5

On this day in 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army. Many people have seen (Groom) blowing a horn on a street corner to make some money for Christmas… but that’s something different. And it’s really not appropriate for a wedding speech.

For weddings July 5

Precisely 68 years ago, at a Paris fashion show, the bikini bathing suit made its public debut. It caused a storm at the time, but these days nobody bats an eyelid at a girl in a bikini. Certainly not (Groom). I’ve been on a beach with him... his eyelids don’t move at all. It’s like they’re propped open with invisible matchsticks.

For weddings July 1-5

It's currently the Henley Regatta which in many ways is similar to a wedding. It works best when everyone pulls together although there's always someone wanting to stick their oar in, but let's hope the happy couple aren't a coxless pair.

For weddings July 9

July’s a good month for historical dates. On the 9th of July, 1872, John F. Blondel patented the world’s first donut cutter. (Groom) will like that. He’s a big fan of donuts. He told me once that he’d had a dream about eating a giant donut… only, when he woke up, his pile cushion was gone.

For weddings July 17

Disneyland - the original one in California - is 60 today! (Bride & Groom) were thinking of honeymooning there and meeting Mickey Mouse in person. But with the big ears and the weird grin, and the funny nose, and the strange squeaky voice, they were worried (Groom) might be a bit scary for the kids, so they’re going to (Honeymoon location) instead.

For weddings July 21

It was in July 1969 that man first set foot on the Moon. A great moment. Perhaps mankind’s greatest! But today, (Bride), (Groom) is your moon. He will light your way in the darkness of night. He will pull the tides that carry you across the sea. And, as we all know, you can walk all over him.

For weddings July 21

Of course, it was on July the 21st, 1969 that man took his first historic steps on the Moon. I was thinking about that as (Groom) stepped up to take his vows. One small step for (Groom), one giant leap in the expectations of every loser like him that now thinks they might somehow, miraculously, be capable of landing a girl like (Bride)! Well give it up, dorks, this is a fluke!

For weddings July 23

Here’s an interesting bit of trivia from Wikipedia... On July the 23rd, 1904, the ice cream cone was invented! Prior to that, Madonna had been cramming them into upturned tea strainers… I think they must mean the ice creams.

For weddings July 25

On July the 25th 1999, Lance Armstrong won his first Tour de France. There are some people who think his eventual disgrace is all he’ll be remembered for. Others say it’s those impressive early victories. I asked (Groom) what he thought and he said ‘it’s all bollocks’. I think he was in a bad mood, but he could have a point.

For weddings July 23

So, as well as this wedding, today see's the final stage of the Tour de France and as the Best Man I can only hope that (Groom) has the stamina to keep up, doesn't need any performance enhancing drugs and has the ride of his life.

For weddings July 30

To think it’s 51 years to the day since England won the World Cup. Almost five decades without a winning score… (Groom) was on course to beat that record before he met (Bride).

For weddings July 16

Now, I appreciate that you're all missing the Wimbledon final to be here today, but let this wedding be a reminder that there's more to life than single events and a smooth forehand stroke. And unlike those cynical tennis players, this wedding proves that, for (Groom) and (Bride), love means everything.

For weddings July 3 - July 16

With Wimbledon on our screens at the moment, I thought perhaps some of you might not know that (Bride) was a very promising tennis player... and one year she was actually seeded in Paris! Still, (Groom)’s got over that now so there's no need to dwell on the past...

For weddings July 3 - July 16

With a wedding during Wimbledon, it's traditional to point out that the mixed doubles, sorry, I mean the happy couple, are a perfect love match and that (Groom) has managed to score an ace in (Bride).