Best man jokes for weddings in May-2011

Today’s been a long time coming. Laurence first spotted Cynthia over two years ago and has been slowly and carefully guiding her towards the day when she would face the public by his side. Think Simon Cowell and Ronan Parke ...

On this happy day, let’s spare a thought for the ordinary people of Libya, who are trying to shake themselves free of a tyrannical dictator who has dominated and scrutinised their lives for decades. I’m sure, Jason, that you can barely imagine such a situation. Give it 30 years …

Ed Milliband and his girlfriend Justine Thornton finally got married this week. They waited until their forties to tie the knot, while he built his political career, and she slowly came to terms with the likelihood of having children who look like Wallace from Wallace & Gromit.

Men and women don’t always seem to be using the same language, but this week there’s news that should help iron out those little misunderstandings of marital communication … The National Museum of Computing has rebuilt the Tunny machine that cracked the German Enigma code in World War II. You should remember that if you can’t get your head around her Christmas present hints Phil. They might let you send in a transcript.

(For marquee weddings) The net’s closing in on Colonel Gaddafi, so with a bit of luck he won’t want his tent back!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to start by placing it on record that if anyone here ever catches me with a Welsh glamour model with a cracking body... feel free to tell as many people as you like.

Richard once confided to me that with his unconventional looks, he was worried he’d never find a woman who wanted him, and yet here he is. Apparently, there’s hope for anyone. Maybe when Amy Winehouse gets out of rehab this time, she’ll finally meet a man who’s into the ‘scary scribbled-on horse’ look.

It looks like the age of super-injunctions and gagging orders may be coming to an end. So a narrow escape for Shaun, who filed his with the high court two weeks before I started writing my best man’s speech.

What about this beautiful marquee? It was a bargain on e-bay – one previous owner; Colonel Muammar Gaddafi. Apparently, he’s gone off camping since the carpet bombing of his back garden started.

Jackie and Ryan were considering honeymooning in Dublin, but the security surrounding the Queen’s visit would have made travel difficult. Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ireland have been sending their Queens to England for years; Oscar Wilde, Graham Norton, Brian Dowling, Jedward probably …

Nicola and Adrian are made for each other and after five years together, it’s hard to imagine them apart. Nicola without Adrian would be like bread without butter, night without day, or Pete Docherty without coke bogeys and the smell of urine.

With their marriage today, Gail and Martin are announcing to the world that their union is here to stay. At the very least, we can expect their partnership to comfortably outlast the one in Downing Street. People say that the council elections marked “the end of the affair” for Cameron and Clegg. But can you call it an affair when it’s really just one person screwing the other one over and over again?

I’ve known Vincent for about twenty years now. Remember the early 80s? Royal Wedding fever was in the air, there’d been a senseless public attack on a man called Lennon, and Vincent was just a scruffy slacker obsessed with computer games … Basically, nothing’s changed.

People say getting married costs a fortune. But, as spectacular and lavish as today has been, take heed: the bills you’ve got coming – the house, the holidays, the kids maybe – will make today’s expenses look like Bin Laden’s funeral … they’re a drop in the ocean.

According to a newly published medical study, less-well educated people are prone to age more quickly. It seems the stupider you are, the faster your looks go. So if we could just cut the cake and move straight on to the photographs, please, I reckon Dan’s got about twenty minutes.

I don’t know if you saw this week’s Panorama about council house cheats … It drives me mad when people pretend to be a real couple just to jump the queue for housing. If only they’d take a leaf out of Hilary and Sean’s book … and do it for John Lewis vouchers instead.

The bride and groom both have strong political opinions, and they don’t always match up. Just this week, they had a massive row about the AV system, when Sandra accidentally let on that Gareth was actually her third choice of husband.

Keith and Rachel marry at a time when a new conservative government is taking power, unemployment is high and we’ve just had a royal wedding. I sincerely hope they aren’t honeymooning in the Falklands.

While they were courting Scott pursued Rachel with the same tenacity and passion that American Special Forces spent on their search for Osama Bin Laden. In fact, if anything he did a better job. After all, it didn’t take him an entire decade to snare her … and when he finally got her in a corner, at least he had the decency to talk to her first before letting one off (in her face).

I’m extremely happy to be here today, to celebrate one of the most special and hotly anticipated matches of the year. My money’s on Man U, but you can never write off Barcelona’s 4-3-3 formation.